*******-The Official Rules of the Retro Surfer-*******
1. Image and style shall be the primary concerns of the Retro Surfer. When wiping out or to scared to surf the big waves, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure and second on performance. Winning surf comps is an added talent, and only counts if said Retro Surfer wins with appropriate style
2. Under no circumstances shall the retro surfer be seen on a polyester or epoxy pop out. ONLY EXCEPTION is if the retro surfer has to quickly get to the beach to collect lost leach less board
2. Every board in the retro surfers quiver shall be hand shaped to the specification of the retro surfer.
3. The retro surfer's quiver shall have at least one board over 9ft and at least 5 boards from one 1 to 5 fins.
4. Thrusters are only allowed if they are hand shaped Channel Islands, Measurement has to be 6'3", 19" 2 3/8" with double concave to reverse v. Exception is due to the Malloy brothers surf them
5. Fins shall always be glassed in.
Following exceptions apply:
I: If board is over 9ft and not a widow maker
6. Leashes shall NOT be worn
Following exceptions apply:
i:If surf is over double overhead
ii:If the board is a hand shaped Channels Island thruster, in this case the leash has to be a 6ft comp leash
7. The Retro Surfer shall NEVER wear a wetsuit hood or gloves as this is a sign of weakness and that retro surfer can't stand the cold
8. Black 3mm split toe boats are allowed to wear when surfing a reef breaks with urchins.
9. A prominent line where one’s wetsuit ends and where one’s deep tan begins is essential to one's image. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan shall reflect the level of commitment.
10. One shall NEVER, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a surfer riding a pop out or a machine (Chinese) shaped costing less than 350€ in ANY public place. This may be severely detrimental to one’s image. If such a situation cannot be helped, it is CRITICAL that the Retro Surfer regard his “acquaintance” with a patrician mixture of disdain and SEVERE condescension.
11. One shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with bodyboarders. This cannot be overemphasized!
12. Motivational music shall consist of ukulele inspired or jack Johnson style guitar music.' NO EXCEPTIONS.
13. In order to avoid the harsh European winter, one shall:
i. Flee to the warmer climates of Mallorca/South Africa/Canary Islands/etc.
ii. “Train the mind, body and soul” with Morning of the Earth Style videos.
14. The Retro surfer shall NEVER acknowledge that the surf he/she surfed was poor or be seen with other surfers in poor (onshore, rain and crowded) conditions. The waves are ALWAYS of prime quality and uncrowded when the Retro Surfer surfs.
15. The Retro surfer shall always surf a SECRET SPOT not known by anyone by himself. When asked "where did you surf yesterday?" one must proceed with one of the following...
i. Complain about the crowds
ii. Lie and say one surfed somewhere else.
iii. Explain that one had to work and didn't surf.
iv. Smile and walk off.
16. The RETRO surfer shall never drive a VW Transporters if it’s NOT older than 30 years
Rule 17. When the Retro Surfer predicts surf it should ONLY be done by looking at ISOBAR charts and pure feel. The Retro Surfer has the skill and knowledge and don’t need to use such simple tools as surf forecasting on the Internet. MAGICSEAWEED, SURFLINE, WINDGURU are BANNED. NO EXCEPTIONS! The Retro Surfer is ONLY allowed to use the internet to discuss boards on the SWAYLOCK forum or other local equivalent.
Rule 18. If the retro surfer has a spouse, one should be left at home at all surf occasions. Spouse is only allowed to be brought to the beach if:
i: One surfs to a reasonable standard
ii: One is there to refuel and pamper the retro surfer with food and drink.
Rule 19: New School surf videos are banned, especially anything produced by Taylor Steele except if the Malloy brothers are in the movie.
Rule 20: If the surf is flat, the retro surfer is allowed to:
Yoga, spearfish, play guitar, shape boards, use paddleboards, and take photos and paint. Any other from of activity is frowned upon and should be avoided. Swimming is allowed if the retro surfer also believes one is a waterman.
Rule 21: Use of PWC is banned. The Retro Surfer should always be able to PADDLE into any kind of wave and size
Rule 22: The Retro Surfer shall always where a BLACK wetsuit with ZIPPER in the BACK. Coloured suits are banned. Exceptions are only allowed if the suit is bought or from the 80's.
Rule 23: ASTRODECK Tailpads and decks are allowed to use by the RETRO Surfer any other brand is BANNED.
Rule 24: The Retro Surfer's Surfboard shall always have a coloured SPRAY. White boards are allowed if the RETRO surfer has or intend to paint the board at some point.
RULE 25: The retro surfer is banned the use of surf corporate webcams that display the status of the surf (Tubes webcam as example). However it is allowed for the Retro surfer to access non surf industry webcams that by mistake show surf or conditions indicating such. This is a way for the Retro surfer’s to express ones non corporate approach to surfing.
RULE 26: The Retro Surfer is banned to attend Surf Schools, lessons or teach other people to surf. Riding a surfboard with style is not something that can be taught to a fellow non retro surfer.
RULE 27. In a circumstance where any surfer ever displays aggression or disrespect towards a retro surfer, one is required to paddle up uncomfortably close to ones foe and slap them in the face with his retro board
Rule 28. The retro surfer shall always behave in a calm and collected manner when seeing surf conditions above average. One must not express joy or happiness. Hooting at big set waves that closes out on top of the retro surfers is banned. NO EXCEPTIONS!
